Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??

   Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

   As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass

   We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.

   What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.

   Not only do I want to see footage of bin Laden being killed, I want the Benny Hill theme song played over it.

   If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?