Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.

   Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female- Any part under a car's hood. Male- The strap fastener on a woman's bra

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.

   OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Another long day at the office. Well, for someone. I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

   You know that you are broke when your bologna has no first name.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"