Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.