Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.