Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!

   Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   "I'm a Barbie Girl, In the Barbie world!! Life in plasic, Its fantastic".....admit it you read this with an annoying womens voice

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   To people who say love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?

   A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."

   Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner

   There are only 2 types of honest people in this world, small children & drunk people

   This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.