Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner

   There are only 2 types of honest people in this world, small children & drunk people

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   To people who say love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?

   A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."

   Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.

   This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward…

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.