Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   taking a trip to the "far side" today.. Yes.. I am going to Wal-Mart..

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.

   Many people are not smart enough to understand their own stupidity

   if nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

   There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   If you ask me a question, I say "I don't know" and you ask me again, prepare for a very ridiculous answer.

   that moment you wake up from a drunk night and ure scared to look at ur facebook statuses.

   The best part of watching an actor on an environmental crusade is when he gets on his private plane.

   What goes around comes around; wait for revenge, revenge waits for you

   talk sh*t again, and its going right back in your mouth.

   90% of the time when I say "brb" it just means I don't want to talk to you anymore

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Someday, I'd like to take a train across the country.. but they never leave the keys in them.

   You know you're a mother when you hide in the bathroom to be alone!