Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.

   most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

   I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.

   Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.