Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   Unprotected sex can lead to Pregnancy or Diseases. Masturbation just leads to sleep.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   Facebook is really just a museum of all my failed relationships.

   I can't decide whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.

   There are some people on facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And I should probably see a therapist about this'

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.

   I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain