Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   Instead of a "See who is looking at your profile" application, the one the could be the most fun would be, "See who is online with their chat turned off."

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   If you can't say anything nice.....we're probably related.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to....

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with spakling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

   i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.