Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”

   Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside