Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier...What kind of gun is it, does it come in different colors, how many bullets does it hold???

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   A ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have any bread.

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   always feels so weird after having hot dreams about my friends. I find it hard to look them in the eye for the few days after.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   Besides the fact that random people are bursting into flames walking down the street, It's beautiful outside!

   I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

   I never understood why guys always have their hands down their pants. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my bra. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   Facebook was down for a couple of hours today. Yep. Nine months from now, there's going to be a lot of babies born.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   No coffee no workee.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real damn accomplishment.