Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.