Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   What Would Dexter Do?

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I've survived Y2k, 9/11, Bird Flu, H1N1, 6-6-2006 and now the rapture/apocalypse. Bring on 2012, I'm a survivor baby!

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?(A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! (D) Dang! (DD) Double Dang! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen and I can't g

   My Wife says I'm too Immature, and if I don't Grow Up it's going to erect a barrier between us .....Hee Hee Hee....Erect

   If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.

   if you're just gonna quit going to the gym in a couple weeks then please don't pack the gyms now. thanks!

   Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, yell out "PIKA!" right before the sneeze

   People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.

   I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.

   In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

   Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.