Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...

   Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   Molasses is surprisingly tasty,,,, However, I have to admit,,, I have never actually tried any other parts of a mole yet,,so,,,,,,

   It's so annoying when I'm about to take a great photo and somebody calls my camera.

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work