Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch