Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

   I hope I live to see the day kindness goes viral.

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..