Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing. 
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft
I'm pretty sure Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are slowly melting together into one person
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!
They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)
My New Year's Resolution is to not use facebook unless I'm going to update my status, make comments or read other people's stuff. So far I'm doing really good!
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then
Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it....
Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief
giving up shame for lent this year. Should make for a great week
should have gotten some actual friends before making a Facebook account!
I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case
Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
Every good friend once was a stranger.
We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.
Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?
On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
cant believe its not butter 