Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   Someone just told me that everything that I see in the internet isn't true.......so does that mean that there's no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Did Kanye really just tell a dude who can play like 14 instruments that he should give his Grammy to a woman who needs 4 writers for one song?

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.

   the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.