Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.

   I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way. Through the driver's door.

   Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it's going to suck.

   all the kids wearing hoodies instead of costumes this Halloween are getting skittles, it's what trayvon would have wanted

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....

   Going to make some TShirts that say "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointed down at my weiner

   My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for time with my wife

   If I root for the Saints today... does that count as going to church?

   thinks the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health care Bill.

   Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

   Haven't heard much from Clinton lately...she's trying hard to think of something truthful she may have said and trying to build a pathetic campaign around it.

   Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.

   Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

   BREAKING NEWS: Hackers find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails. Discover they are nude selfies and commit mass suicide.

   had a threesome last night, usually I only use 2 fingers