Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   Popeyes favorite tool never rusted because he kept sticking it in Olive Oil.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   That does it!!!! .... Melania and Michelle are going to have to settle this like real women ...... Time for a winner takes all mud wrestling contest!!! Heck ... I'd pay to see that .... Donald .... You listening?

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.