Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came up with a stupid status today, but I forgot what it was.

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   We have a saying in our house. Well, to be accurate my wife has a saying. I have a listening.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~

   Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.