Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom

   principles. If you don't like them I have others.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   pretending he is driving on a dirt road in Hazzard county..Yee-Hawww!

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   just read that movie theatre popcorn is very buttery and unhealthy, in other news..water is wet! :D

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.

   May your troubles last as long as your New Years Resolutions!

   just stole the lint outta your dryer to create a snuggie