Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking

   no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes because they don't go with any of my dresses.

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Capsule used to rescue Chilean miners is now a prototype for all new coach seats on all US domestic flights....

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   anger is only one letter short of danger

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters

   if everyone looked like their celebrity doppelganger and really matched their urbandictionary meaning, I could eat butterflies and poop rainbows.

   Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

   watching the Time Traveler's Wife with my Wife. We Both Cried at the End. But We Both Cried for Different Reasons!"