Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet. 
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.
Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.
a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all
They're all cop cars when you're this high.
When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.
The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.
I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."
it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."
Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...
a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager
Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.
Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.
don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel
Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.
You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!! 