Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.

   I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.