Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?

   Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   I wanna steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase cuz I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck

   Kim Kardashian on Twitter: "Casey Anthony not guilty? I am speechless!" Someone replied: "So was Nicole Brown's family when your dad got OJ off".

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:

   Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

   NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.