Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   Go fund me = internet panhandling

   I watched some of the debate last night...I kept on waiting for someone to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Nite"!!!!! But it never happened.....

   Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation