Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.