Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth.

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   I offend people in a nice way

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.