Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   You know you were raised catholic...if while watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you respond "And also with you"

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...

   If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status.

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   has developed his own H1N1 Vaccine consisting of: NyQuil, Tylenol-3, Vodka, Rohypnol, Benadryl, OxyContin, Spiced Rum and a hint of Lemon. ---Directions: Drink One Full Glass every hour to Remove all Care and Worry about the H1N1 virus.....