Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.