Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

   If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.