Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse