Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   The media is a weapon of mass destruction....

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.