Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything. 
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?
been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
"Let the bodies hit the floor" sounds like a sequel to "It's raining men"
I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.
Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.
A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?
it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Corona virus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone's almost out of toilet paper.
This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up
Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.
I'LL TRADE YOU A 12 PACK OF TOILET PAPER FOR A POUND OF HAMBURGER 