Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

   " If we build it, They Won't Come." ............. Border Wall

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   "America Online founder Steve Case actually endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. However, I Bet the last thing Hillary Clinton wants to hear right now is ........ "You've got mail."

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.

   You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.

   Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.

   I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok

   Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   I could breathe fire but I don't want to waste alcohol.