Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

   If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.

   Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.

   My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.

   *feeling chest pain* probably need more pie

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.