Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows he was unwanted as a child when he found his bath toys were a radio and a toaster!

   Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.

   Presidents Day: A day when America celebrates when they actually had presidents worth celebrating.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)

   Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

   says As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

   a guy at work said his grandfather died unexpectedly at the age of92. Really? You couldn't see that coming?

   Slept with a coworker. She didn't want it to get "weird" at work. Well neither did I, so I fired her.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   i dont care if my teammates are straight or gay, as long as they dont listen to Nickelback...

   If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   You can love your country without having to love your government.

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   my girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself another girlfriend