Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   Tonight seems like the perfect night to stay home, pop up some popcorn, veg in front of the TV and watch Ferguson burn to the ground.

   Lets not get carried away it's not like McDonalds shutdown

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home

   There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me

   Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

   on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?