Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   inbox(1).... awesome feeling

   having one of those days where I wanna set someones face on fire and try putting it out wit a fork

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   If everyday is a gift then today's gift is a box of straws cuz it sucks.

   Next halloween I'm gonna dress as a shrub and randomly sit in peoples front yards

   Sarcasm is a dish best served instantly.

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   If you hate sarcasm then stop asking stupid ass questions.

   When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little bastrds.

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   starting his spring cleaning tonight...so if you have 1 less friend in the morning, you'll know why!!!!

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   I'm a high risk for stroke because I live alone, and I have no pants on.

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.