Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!

   wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res.

   BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

   currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!

   As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man...dammit, I can't stop staring at my a$$ in the mirror!

   Shhhhhhhhhhh, you had me at "open bar" :-)

   doesn't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it!

   just doesn't get it. I go through the drive thru at BK and I hand the kid my credit card. He asks me if it's an American Express... He had my card in his hand; what do you suppose he thought the orange and yellow Mastercard logo was?

   SO....we got Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ben Roethlisberger, John Edwards, Chris Brown, John Mayer, and now Tiki Barber...Anybody else I missed?

   gathering Dwayne Johnson to throw at you...

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   It's a total mood killer when you go in the bathroom after your girlfriend and realize she forgot to flush!

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   Hey websites, I will always "skip intro", so knock it off.

   I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Please speak up.

   I always pretend to see the babies in the Ultra-sound.

   all those extreme couponers across together need to band together and propose a budget plan to the president