Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

   Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

   WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

   Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.