Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks. 
I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.
My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king
There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
(First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore. 