Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   woke up really really really early today just to post on facebook "i've beaten my alarmclock today"

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

   "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"

   if I throw a stick will you leave

   If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.

   You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   "Thank You" is such an insignificant phrase, yet we put so much into it. When we say "Thank You" to a vet or active duty officer, what comes out is 2 simple words, but what is meant is a world of un-seen gratitude, hope, peace and safety. No, "Thank You"

   believes they should change the "maybe" response to event invitations to "yep, unless I get a better offer before then".

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   When is it considered to early to start drinking...cause I think I'm 4 hrs behind!!!

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   If You Use Pinesol in A Pine Forest Is It Unscented?