Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.

   if it weren't for the presents and money think about how terrifying it would be to our children that a fat man, a fairy and a giant rabbit break into their houses every year...

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   will wait for Apple to unveil the more powerful version: the maxiPad.

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!

   going to watch earth hour on T.V

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.