Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.

   Just got through watching ''Black Swan".Thought it was a movie about nature turned out to be a softcore Porno.

   i once told a girl that she was "special" and she totally accepted it as a compliment.

   Please feel free to call me anytime after ten, that's when I put my phone on silent.

   I wonder if this Margarita counts as my daily serving of fruit...

   Some of your timelines are my morning paper.

   You're not nearly as obsessed with me as you should be.

   The day I grow up will be the day that I die.

   The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...

   refuses to spring forward....If I am not there in an hour, then you come looking for me.

   The best feeling of the day is getting into bed, the worst feeling of the day is getting out of bed.

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you!

   Did you say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin

   life is now back on track... unfortunately for me that track is downhill... and there's me with no steering or brakes...

   was told that if I have to ask how much something costs, I probably can't afford it. She was right so I moved along.

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.