Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"