Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared 4 nuclear attacks from North Korea. David we weren't even prepared for snow in the winter

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   Even with a privacy fence, I don't think it is safe for the neighbor woman to sunbath topless in her back yard...I almost fell off of the my roof 3 times last week.

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.

   Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

   wonders if Cash4Gold would give me money for a bottle of Goldschlager!

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin