Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roaches must be so pissed that they aren't ruling the world yet.

   OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you can't text me back?

   don't you just hate it when your mobile rings during a meeting and you have to wake up??!

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I'm fairly certain that most of us are one full gas tank away from bankruptcy.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   gonna wear a Charlie Brown costume this Halloween and give everyboby who comes to my door a ROCK.

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   Scars remind us of where we've been, they don't have to dictate where were going

   See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   My ex hates my new girlfriend, but I mean, its not like she ever got along with her mom anyway.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to f*ck with you.

   Her: The trash needs taken' out....Me (pushing trash down): NOPE, it's good!!

   I set up my Google+ today with two main groups 1. Me 2.Them

   Always be true to yourself. But feel free to lie to everyone else as needed.

   When someone says, "I think of you as family," I assume they're gonna scream at me for something that happened 15 years ago.