Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...

   My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion