Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first step is admitting you're a problem.

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   Why do they even make car alarms anymore? When's the last time you heard one and didn't just walk away muttering about what a douche they are?

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   Obesity is now considered a disease by the medical community. Never before has walk for the cure taken on a more literal meaning.

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   These "Superhero" movies really crack me up when they reveal their secret identity to their girlfriend... As if the first fight they have she's NOT going to blast on Facebook "Peter Parker is an A$$hole and he's really Spiderman"....

   Today, my girlfriend asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   If you're having a bad day, remember that somewhere in the world, someone willingly got a Nickelback tattoo. And they love it.

   I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.

   It turns out that men are literally putting their lives on the line just licking a vag, and there are still women who don't swallow.

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime

   The bags under my eyes are Prada.

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.