Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like "he was like a brother to me"

   “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.

   Facebook is daycare for adults.

   thinking that some people should get two Facebook accounts...one for each face

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   I feel like a Tampon today...In a good place at the wrong time.

   Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.

   If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   If the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

   it's so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.

   When I see someone in the 20 items or less lane, who's buggy contains over 50 items, I'm often tempted to reach and throw each and every item as far as humanly possible while counting aloud, each one!

   According to Facebook, some people I don't remember are grilling this weekend.

   Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!

   Hopefully because of social networking, I've tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.

   If my wife ever has sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.

   I don't have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!

   PRO TIP: If you cut your pizza up into small enough pieces,,, you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.

   Danica Patrick's dad is probably the first father in history that's happy to see his daughter on the pole.